Christmas Thoughts

Christmas is now over and Im full of emotions. Im so thankful for my family, close family and extended. I love family traditions and coming from a small non emotional family we didnt have many but the ones we did have I hold close to my heart. I love learning about other families traditions and joining in. My favorite thing about Christmas is having an idea about how Christmas should go and it always turning out better then I could have ever imagined.

I alway invisioned a big family sitting around a table blessing a big Christmas dinner, thats excately what I got tonight. I felt like I was a part of something bigger then myself. As the blessing was said I couldnt help but smile and think of how much I love every member of my family. Now recently our family has chosen to believe in science, but tonight felt like we are all connected in some way, that I was ment to be in the family I have. I feel so lucky.

Last Christmas we found out we would be expecting a new member into our family and this year it wouldnt be complete without all the new members of the family. We may have lost one of the sisters but I think we are strong as a family. I hope that one day everyone can feel love like I do for this family. I love every holiday spent with my payne family even if its different from what I know. I love them with all my heart….. Lori, Jeff, Jer, Kasie Kaiah , Ben, Caleb, Ciara, Josh, Jessica, Aaron, Braxton, Jake and even Beth.  My life is greater because of you. Thank you.

Just a thought

PS my heart goes out to my family Jay, Sally and John who I was unable to see during Christmas. I love you and miss you so much. You are always on my mind and I wish I could be closer to you. You have made me the person I am. I love you.


Add a comment December 26, 2010

Pissed off

I am so tired of advice. I am thinking about not holding my tongue any longer. Anyone who thinks they can do what I do better can just freaking try it.

This is my second baby. All those new moms out there stop telling me how my body has a baby. I am not you. Every pregnancy is different, every woman’s body is different. If you have had a baby then I would think you would know that. So stop comparing me to you, or to anyone you know. Stop telling me my sons life is not a good one. Im tired of it. And I wont hold it in any longer.

My last doctors apt I was told that my labor will be much shorter because this is my second child. And because I am already dilated to a 3 he said it shouldnt be to much longer. I hate when people ask me how things are going and when I tell them they tell me Im wrong. Its great that these first time moms are acting like experienced doctors because they had one baby. I have been to the hospital many times with this pregnancy because of unexpected bleeding and contractions. And the doctor told me it was the right thing for me to be worried. So if you think Im just making all this up, you can go right to hell. My cervix was dilating, there was reason for concern. I feel that I have made the best choices when it comes to my life and my children. Even my marriages. I know my body better then anyone else and I have doctors who are telling me what’s going on and what’s best.

It is the same thing when it comes to parenting. I dont claim to be an expert but my son is a happy freaking kid! I think parenting is different for everyone. I think friendly advice is fine but telling others that they are wrong is out of line. Im done with this. I plan to cut out all the people in my life who wont support me. My son and I have been through so much together and we are happy now. So I think I have done a damn good job. And if you dont support me then get out of my life.

Add a comment July 31, 2010

Baby excitement

Only 9 weeks left until our baby girl arrives! Feels like Im standing in line at an amusement park for the largest roller coster they have, with loops and drops all at a high speeds. I have been on this roller coster before and remember liking the thrill and excitement but my fear of falling off keeps me a little skittish of being completely confident. And this time Im taking along my very best friend (my hubby) who has never been on a roller coster. 🙂 I have to be confident to talk Ben into going on this crazy ride and tell him how much fun it will be while trying to keep myself calm and hide any fear I have. There are just so many emotions involved.

My favorite thought about how life will be after the baby comes is falling into a new routine with the two kids and Ben and I working as a team. I find so much enjoyment in working with my husband. Deciding how to parent, which I believe is the hardest thing two people can do, becomes fun and the good times and love can be shared.

I want my kids to be there for each other. They will have such different lives and yet one similar thing, me.  I hope that will be enough. Its kind of a sweet thought that I can bring so many people together and they come to love each other because of their love for me.

I cant wait to see how labor will go. I have never done something so hard with my best friend at my side. Ben and I have done so much together and we work so well as a team. Im just so excited! Im happy! Thats all I have to say.

Add a comment June 21, 2010

Hard Lesson

I believe that my fascination with cults has caught up with me. My husband and I attended a “training” last night that our financial advisor recommended to us. He told us it would help change our thinking, combined our spirit with our ego and with that we would be able to make better choices not only for our financial future but our personal relationships. Now I believe that I am a spiritual person, I believe in God and that if you set your mind to anything you will be able to achieve your goals. I also believe that camps and classes can help ones confidence in ones self for better opportunities. I have experienced many in my life that have helped me build better relationships and self esteem to get me where I am now. But this “training” took this a step farther.

My husband and I have been going to this financial advisor (who I will now refer to as Bob) since June. He has wanted us to use his connections in our financial decisions, which we were all for. We also read books about how to become more financially stable and I believe that both my husband and I have changed our views and opinions about money for the better. We had some rough times the last couple of months and was unable to see Bob. We made financial decisions without him and I believe he was a little upset. Ben and I did our best to let him know that from then on we would come to him for everything. And that we were sorry. I don’t know if this was an invitation to take advantage of us, or if he thought we would leap before looking. He told us to be at this “training” so we did.

I am so shocked about how this all played out. We thought we were going to some gathering of rich people who gave advice, or maybe an investor meeting. No. My husband knew right away while we waited for the meeting to begin what we had gotten ourselves into. His older brother was coaxed into one of these “change your life for the better” meetings. He warned me. And I took his warning with an open mind. He even used the word “cult” which I must admit had me more curious as to what would happen. I love reading about people who blindly follow a strange belief and always wonder how it starts. My answer came to me.

They split us up with people who have gone through the training and made us tell them secrets, or feelings we keep deep down. There was lots of crying and emotion, but strangely not between my husband and I. We kept looking at each other, both knowing this was crazy. They never talked about God but they did talk about love. And how if there was more love in the world then there would be peace. For us to love we needed to find our inner child, and to find our inner child we had to take these classes. We had to pay $500 each to find our inner child.

My question now, thinking back to this night, is didnt money start most wars? Why do I have to pay someone to help me be loved. Before we left he told my husband and I that he hoped we didnt sleep. That this meeting has affected our lives so much that we would sign up immediately after not being able to get our minds off of it. I slept fine. I was not touched by anything. I may have an open mind but that dosnt mean I will fall for anything. Today I have been feeling offended that Bob would try to make money off of us. How did we tell him that we would subject to what he wanted?

I feel sorry for the people in this group. They seem happy, but ignorance is bliss. I think it is wrong that they suck people in by having the people closest to you, the people you trust suck you into a money trap. Instead of giving me any peace he has raged a war in my heart. How can he sleep at night knowing that he is robbing people of their money, by telling them they need to find peace. My life is missing nothing. I happy with everything in my life. And for him to tell me that I need these classes to find what Im looking for, or to reach my goals is wrong. How dare he.

I love my religion, and I wish everyone could feel the happiness and joy with the knowledge that I know from being a part of it, but there is no way that I would force it upon anyone. If someone is missing something in their life… let them find it. And I sure a heck wouldnt charge them for it either.

I dont think my husband and I will ever see Bob again. He has hurt my trust and offended my heart. I think the lesson learned in this is when people want money they will do anything to get it. Trust no one.

Add a comment September 16, 2009

Life is changing again

I got a job watching a two year old for eight hours a day! I am super excited! I think Caleb and I will be happier. I also started exercising and I feel so much better. I have more energy than I have had for a long time. Now to keep it up will be the hard part. I watched a u tube clip about how to not be lazy. It said to exercise and wake up with an alarm. I have done it for one morning and I feel like a new person.

Went on a double date with my brother in law. I set him up with an old family friend and I think it went well. My husband bought me beautiful roses and I put them in a vase on my table and I cant stop looking at them. They really make me smile. Its silly cause I never thought that flowers were really that great until my husband gave me one. Ever since then I love them!

So happy day! I hope this week stays great!

1 comment September 8, 2009


My little boy can SWIM!! YAY! Last night my hubby made Caleb swim to the stairs in the pool. At first I thought it was just mean cause he was crying and not happy about trying to swim. Then he started laughing… and now he wont stop. I took him swimming this morning and he was telling me where he was going to swim. He is almost pro now. I dont think I like the demanding stage he is in but I am proud he is becoming more independent.

The halloween costume is coming along. The more I work on it the more ideas I have. And because I am starting so early I have that luxury. 🙂 I think I will add gloves with claws on them and maybe make the body of the dinosaur more elaborate. We also have Calebs birthday coming up and I am not sure what we will do. Is there anything wrong with a small gathering of family for a 3 year olds birthday party? I think I will have him help me make a cake that he can eat all to himself… hehe.

I really love being a house wife. If only I could look as good as I feel. I ordered the biggest loser boot camp fitness video and should get it next week. I am really excited about it. Now if I can only not eat the ice cream that is given to me every night by my very generous brother in law I might be able to get back to my pre marriage weight. The chemicals in our neighborhood pool are changing my hair blonde. At first I think I liked it, but my husband dosnt like blonde hair. Its odd because the woman I babysit for even noticed it. She thought I colored my hair, and its just sun and chemicals from the pool. Pretty cool though.

Back to house cleaning 🙂

Add a comment September 4, 2009

New House, New Life

So we moved into our new house this last month. Already the AC has broken and the man who came to fix it sawed two holes in our celling in our guest room. But I love our new house. We have learned so much since we have been here. My favorite part about our house is all the bathrooms. Everyone has their own bathroom. I also love our big kitchen. Our bedroom is also like a little retreat. I could not be happier with our home.

Caleb has started preschool. He loves it after he comes home but he has started throwing fits when I drop him off. I think the school is doing a wonderful job. He writes his name everyday, learns a letter every week and concentrates on shapes and colors every month. And his teacher must be on red bull all day long. She is the sweetest woman ever.

Today I decided I would start Calebs halloween costume. I wanted to make it this year. I decided to make a dinosaur costume. I am making the head today. First layer of paper mache done. 🙂 Lots of work but I am very excited about the finished product.

My husband is kind of stuck in a rut, I think he should go back to school and yet I dont want him to be away from him. He tends to be happy when he is busy and can strive to accomplish something hard such as grades. But for now he is still at his job he has been with for years.

I am super excited for the holidays. Ill keep this up 🙂 But as for now life is GREAT!!

1 comment September 3, 2009


Today I learned what a quality education is. I have taken 2 and a half english classes at CSI. Today I took the compass test at UVU and it said I need to retake the classes I took. CRAZY! I learned nothing in those classes. How crazy. I feel bad for the people who get their whole education done there. At least I am still in the beginning of my education and I can still start over. Yay for UVU…Boo for CSI.

1 comment April 8, 2009

Stressed Out!

Crazy times. I got a call from my mom today warning me to be careful if my ex husband calls. I am supposed to keep my cool. It has been easy because he never ever calls. And the last time he did Ben helped me calm down and he talked to him. My son is my life. I don’t know what I would do without him….now that can be taken different ways. I think a boy should see his father. But I believe that safety comes first. The ex is not in the right state of mind to take care of a hyper active two year old. And he is unhealthy to even keep up with him. When we were married we agreed how Caleb would be raised. Now that he is on his own, drinking, smoking, and partying he has changed his mind. Priorities have changed for him….such as what goes on when Caleb is around, like people smoking in front of him, believing in god, drinking is OK. I want my son protected from these things. I have no way to fight for this. The law in Idaho demands that we share my son 50/50. And yet my ex cant take care of himself let alone anyone else. He still lives at his moms house for heavens sake and has not had a job for more than 6 months. How can the law think this is OK? Shouldn’t there be exceptions? Shouldn’t it be obvious that he doesnt care about his son? He hasn’t even called in more than 3 weeks. I hope justice will step in. Its hard to think there is a God protecting children when crap like this happens.

2 comments March 25, 2009

Zoo Adventure

We went to the zoo with my new friend Lacie. She has three kids of her own. Ben got off work and went with us. We had fun. Here are some pic 🙂

Add a comment March 23, 2009






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